On The Pond with Dick and Jane

Some time ago, in the twenty-first century, Dick and Jane received a desperate phone call from their propane company. “Have you seen the size of our trucks? You need to trim back your trees. Branches are brushing against the sides, and top of our vehicles.”

Well, if Dick and Jane wanted hot water and to use their gas stove it was time to tame the hardwood giants, weed trees, and creeping underbrush.

It was time to call in loggers.

Loggers!?! No, way.

Oh, yes. Even tree hugger, frog lovin’, California native Jane agreed that for a healthy forest, pruning was prudent. One bad tree, left to its whims, could take out several of its neighbors in a free fall.

Red Oaks and Poplars of questionable character and gnarled leggy Mountain Laurel that encroached upon Dick and Jane’s country lane were hacked and whacked and stacked.

Dick and Jane arrived home to find several 16’ tree logs lining their drive. Each weighing over 1200 pounds. What were they supposed to do with all that wood? Dick moaned that the contractor was supposed to cut them into manageable units. You know, 16’’ the size of fire logs.

Attempting to turn the unwieldy logs into firewood didn’t get far and probably contributed to Dick’s triple hernias.

For over a year the Poplars mocked Dick each time he passed their prone forms. ‘We’re going to be here long after you’re laid to rest’ they teased. After his hernia surgery, the ribbing got worse and rubbed Dick the wrong way. He wasn’t supposed to lift the equivalent of a gallon of milk for six weeks. But he knew, way-down-deep, he’d get the last laugh.

The next spring, Jane got another call from the propane company. “Your driveways blocked, no gas delivery for you.”

About the same time, Dick got a call from the exterminator. “Can’t kill no spiders. There are three trees across the road.”

Sure enough, when Dick and Jane turned down their lane, the leafy green obstruction came into full view. At first, it didn’t seem so bad. Dick chain-sawed the limbs and boughs and trunks. Jane tugged and pulled and heaved the debris into mountain-sized piles.  

After three hours Dick parked the truck in front of their home, but it would take weeks, months, a year to clear away what remained of the fallen timbers. This game of pick-up-sticks was getting too hard to play.

The dilemma weighed heavily on Dick, and he took to watching tractor porn in the basement. He even persuaded Jane to watch and anyone else who wandered into the viewing area. The best videos were given a thumbs-up, and YouTube channels featuring green, red, or blue tractors were subscribed too.

Pretty soon Tractor Time with Tim and Outdoors with the Morgan’s were Dick’s go to dudes for tractor advice and adventures. Unbeknown to Jane, Dick broadcasted out in a live stream his plan to ‘talk’ to a John Deere dealer. A notification tipped Jane off to the unscheduled broadcast. She heard along with the world about his plan to take control of the mockers, the droppers, and sawed-off limbs. Jane didn’t mind one bit, as long as Dick didn’t drag her along.

In June 2018, Dick and Jane had a shiny green 3032E John Deere tractor delivered. They haven’t even had it a full year, but Dick’s already saying it’s the best purchase he’d ever made.

If you want to know what happened to those mockers, watch Dick cut them down to size. And guess what? That logger knew what he was doing. Those 16 feet lengths are just right for milling.

Dick and Jane’s adventures have only just begun. They’d love for you to join them.